


Thirsty

by dearwhimsy



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Fluff and Crack, M/M, Oblivious, steve just wants tony-senpai to notice him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-21
Packaged: 2018-12-24 00:53:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12001518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearwhimsy/pseuds/dearwhimsy
Summary: Steve is getting desperate. Scratch that. He /is/ desperate.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve wasn't sure if his friends' attempts to help were actually meant to be helpful. Or if they just wanted to laugh at him some more.

**Monday**

"Tony, I have a present for you. In my pants."

"Man I haven't heard that one in years. Very direct of you, Cap. Speaking from personal experience though, make sure you're actually wearing pants when you use that one." 

Rhodey looked up from his coffee and then looked back down at it suspiciously. Had someone spiked it or was he just delirious from the sixteen hour flight?

"You're not dreaming. It's real," Pepper murmured to him as she set her bowl of caramel popcorn on the counter, having followed Steve and Tony in. 

"It's almost painful to watch, isn't it?," She commented. Rhodey nodded slowly. 

"How long has this been going on for now?" He asked.

"The bad pickup lines or the desperate attempts to get in Tony's pants?" Pepper questioned. "Pickup lines for at the past half hour. He actually started off with some good ones but he ran out of those pretty fast. Clint's idea I think."

Rhodey snuck a few pieces of popcorn from Pepper's bowl.

"The blatant attempts to get in Tony's pants and heart have been going for at least a month now? I was in Japan when it started. Bruce said that Steve was going for subtle at first. But apparently sneak dating doesn't really work when you've already been inadvertently dating for the past half year."

Rhodey snorted and shook his head. He continued to watch as Rogers continued to metaphorically bang his head against the mountain of obliviousness that was Tony Stark.

"Are those space pants, Tony? Cause your ass is out of this world!"

"Good to know those squats paid off."

Rhodey grabbed another handful of popcorn.

\-------------------------------------------------------------

**Tuesday**

Natasha sipped her mimosa as she enjoyed the view of the Steve and Bucky wrestling in skimpy speedos, still wet from their dip in the pool. The only thing lacking from the scene was someone to fan her and hand feed her grapes. She glanced over meaningfully at Clint who looked over and groaned but obediently made his way over with a handheld fan and a bowl of popcorn. Close enough.

Shoving the bowl of popcorn and fan in her lap, Clint flopped onto the beach towel beside her lounge chair. "So how long did it take to convince Steve to wear the speedo?" 

Natasha smirked. Steve hadn't taken any convincing at all. He'd actually been ready to wrestle naked but Bucky had balked despite Steve's protestation that  _it wasn't anything they hadn't done before_ and  _Bucky please i'm desperate_. 

"Think we should put him out of his misery and let him know that Tony's been staring at Bucky's arm and not him?" Clint asked. Natasha grabbed a handful of popcorn and shoved it in Clint's mouth.

"Shhhh. I'm still enjoying the show."

 ---------------------------------------------------------

**Wednesday**

Slip n Slide.

Thor had fun. No one else did.

\---------------------------------------------------------

**Thursday**

Bruce walked into his lab to find a haggard Steve Rogers waiting for him.

"Bruce! Wait, I need your help!"

He turned on his heel and ran for it. Unfortunately, Steve was faster. Bruce considered hulking out in order to escape.

"Please. I've already tried everyone else. You know I wouldn't be here otherwise. I'm desperate. I'll do anything. It's not like I have any more pride to lose at this point."

Bruce grimaced. It was true. Whatever pride Steve still had remaining after this past month, it had definitely shattered on that slip n slide. 

"...have you considered just asking him out?"

Steve rolled his eyes. "I've tried. Verbally, with written communication. Twice with giant flower arrangements. I even convinced Pepper to add our weekly lunch into his appointments calendar under 'Romantic Date with Steve'." He paused to frown, "It was the first time he missed our weekly lunch."

"Ah. Er. Maybe try to be a bit more direct?"

Coincidentally Tony chose this exact moment to burst into Bruce's lab as well, frantically typing into a tablet and muttering rapid commands to JARVIS.

"There you two are. Bruce, I need you to help me adjust Bucky's arm and Steve, I need you to convince Bucky to let me adjust his arm."

"I'll do it," Steve instantly agreed, "For you. Because I like you."

"You're a real pal, Cap," Tony replied absently, "I like you too."

"I don't just like you. I love you. Romantically I mean." Steve continued, sounding increasingly desperate. "Let's go to La Grenouille. Romantically. A Romantic Date." 

"Right, right. La Grenouille. I'll buy ya two filet mignon for bringing Bucky to my lab in ten."

Steve stared at Tony's ass as Tony ran back out having never even once looked up from his tablet during the conversation. Then he turned to Bruce again.

"The words 'I love you' came out of my mouth, did they not? Please tell me I said it out loud."

Bruce shrugged helplessly. This was so not his field. 

\------------------------------------

**Friday**

"Tony and I just stopped a Doom attack."

Coulson looked up from his paperwork and considered his next words carefully.

"Good job. I will accept your written report tomorrow. Dismissed."

Coulson determinedly went back to reading Fitz-Simmons's report on why the Wing B was now glowing purple. He did not sign up for any of this.

"We were out on a picnic. A romantic picnic. I made a giant heart shaped chocolate cake that I decorated with espresso beans instead of strawberries because that's what he likes."

Being shot in the foot had hurt less. Being shot in the  _ass_ had hurt less.

"But when I brought it out, Tony asked me where I had found Valentine's day leftovers in May. Which Doom arrived just in time to hear. He didn't even have one of his Doombots fire at us. Just told me he felt sorry for me and that it was a lovely cake. Then he offered a two day stay in Latveria to hide in shame and sorrow if I wanted."

Maybe he could quit? Go back to being shot in various body parts in classified countries?

"And I'm taking the offer."

Coulson didn't even hesitate. 

"Go. I'll take care of the paperwork."

Rogers nodded and shuffled out, looking more weary than if he'd actually fought Doom. Coulson pulled the Leave of Absence form from his drawer and began to fill it out, forging the Captain's signature where necessary. Fury would understand.

\-----------------------------------------

**Saturday**

Sure the $200 tickets were definitely a rip off and Doom was even more of a supervillian than they'd thought. But at least Steve couldn't embarrass himself too badly in the cramped passages of Doom's Crystal Caves. Maybe he should consider sending Coulson a Doom Falcon requesting some additional leave?

Steve ignored the tour guide's spiel on Doom's glorious discovery and mining of the crystals that had once populated the caves (For sale at any Doom Approved Crystal Shop). It was the exact same thing he'd already heard on his previous eight Doom's Crystal Caves tour. Instead, he found himself staring at the only other foreign tourist on the tour. The guy's face was completely covered by a weird iron mask but something about the curve of his ass, even in the dim lighting of the caves, looked suspiciously familiar. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...yeaahhh this has undergone some edits. Next chapter is in the works. Also, it's always Clint's fault. Reed Richards gets the blame regardless.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve has been acting weird. As a good friend, Tony is determined to get to the bottom of things.

**Monday**

"Tony. So. You, uh, you come here often?"

Tony stopped mid-word. Beside him, Pepper began to contort her face in that weird expression she always got when she desperately wanted to laugh in someone's face but thought it too rude to actually do so. 

"...This is my penthouse?"

Tony stared as Steve's face somehow managed to turn even redder. 

"I'd give up aerobic respiration for you."

Pepper gave up and burst into giggles.

"I forgot my password and the hint is 'Tony's number'. Help a guy out?"

"What the fuck Steve."

At this point, Steve looked a freshly cooked lobster but one that was somehow still alive and suffering. Immensely.

"You're like gravity. I keep falling for you."

This was probably Reed Richards fault. Limp Noodle Man had been in outer space for over a month now but Tony just knew that it was his fault.

"Do you have a map? Cause I'm getting lost in your eyes."

Tony was about ready to call his Iron Man suit in order to drag the obviously sick Steve to Bruce when he heard muffled cackling. He whipped his head up just in time to catch a vent cover being pulled back into place. Tony knew only one Birdbrain that still insisted on using the vents when there was a perfectly good hallway to transverse.

He rolled his eyes. Well that explained a few things. For a hot second there, Tony had wondered if maybe Steve was  _actually_  hitting on him using cheesy pickup lines or something.

"Want to come up to my room to look at my blueprints?"

It was still probably at least partially Rubber Fetish Guy's fault.

\-------------------------------------------------------

**Tuesday**

Looked like Steve really was a guy that would do anything for his friends. Tony had already guessed it from all the favors that Steve had done for him. Bringing him popsicles when the weather was hot (or cold), picking up random tools that Tony had dropped on the ground, helping Tony rub on suntan lotion, et cetera, et cetera.

But watching Steve wrestle mostly naked with Barnes so that Barnes could show off his moves to Natasha really helped emphasize what a helpful friend Steve was. And if Tony decided to stick around once he realized what was happening, well that was just him being a good and supportive friend too. However, Tony couldn't help but feel that something was off about the whole thing. Tony wandered closer to the action to get a better look...and yes! There it was!

Every time Barnes did the whole twisty thing, The Arm seemed lock. Just a microsecond but still there. Was it a loose wire? Water damage from the earlier dip in the pool?! Tony knew that allowing Barnes to go to SHIELD for The Arm's last maintenance check had been a mistake. Those government goons barely knew their Phillips screwdriver from a Torx. 

But Pepper had been all  _his arm his choice_  and  _oh my god i don't care if it's a sexy piece of engineering you can't lick it_. Not his fault Barnes didn't appreciate just how amazing The Arm was. Steve got Barnes in a chokehold and Tony winced as The Arm stuttered just slightly while Barnes tried to pry Steve's forearm away from his neck. Tony felt his fingers itch for his set of really tiny pliers. Maybe if he offered to make Barnes those blueberry and poppyseed scones that Natasha was practically addicted to?

Finally, Barnes managed to break out of Steve's chokehold and rolled them so that he was now on top while Steve attempted to buck him off, grappling against the sleek metal arm that was pinning him down. As he watched the two unfairly hot men basically hump each other right in front of him, Tony thanked himself for not choosing to wear speedos like Steve and Barnes had. 

Sorry Arm, wait just a little longer.

\--------------------------------------------------------

**Wednesday**

Slip n Slide

Tony didn't care if Thor had fun. Never again.

\--------------------------------------------------------

**Thursday**

So the scones didn't work. But thankfully Steve was easily bribed with filet mignons. Tony happily spends the day reconnecting with The Arm.

"Who's a beautiful work of vibranium plated engineering?"

"I swear to god Stark if you try to make out with my arm again, I will punch you. I don't care if it'll make Stevie cry."

"Shut up Barnes. Me and The Arm are having a moment here."

\--------------------------------------------------------

**Friday**

"So Steve has been acting weird lately and I thought it was something with Clint or Mister Fantastically Idiotic but he just ran out halfway through our Friday lunch which yes fine Doom may have interrupted to try to seduce Steve to Latvia probably as revenge for the 99 bouquets carnations I sent to Slender Man in Blue but well I thought he'd done something to Steve so it was totally justified and anyways Pepper keeps laughing when I ask her and Agent has been hiding from me again so Captain Fury any ideas what's up with the primary colored Captain that sometimes also hangs out on this ship?"

Tony kicked his heels against the heavy wood of the desk as Fury stared up at him, still holding a half eaten sandwich in one hand and a half read report in the other. 

"...Stark."

"Yeah?"

"Get out of my SECURE office."

"But you haven't told me what's wrong with Steve."

It had taken almost a whole hour to break into Fury's office this time. There was no way he was leaving without some answers after all that effort. 

"Have you considered trying to talk to the man?"

Tony rolled his eyes. "Of course I have. But for some reason he could barely look me in the eyes much less respond when I tried."

"Did you happen to be shirtless at the time?"

"Yes? I had just showered and didn't have a chance to put one on yet." Tony frowned. "But what does that have anything to do with why Steve's acting weird? Do I have to start wearing shirts around the tower now too? I already have to wear real pants all the time cause Pepper said so and that's annoying enough."

Fury shook his head and Tony could have sworn he just heard him mutter 'poor fool' under his breath but that was surely impossible because Fury did not do sympathy in any way shape or form. 

"Oh it has something to do with Rogers acting weird alright."

"Yes?" Tony leaned forward eagerly on the desk, almost sending various stacks of papers tumbling off. "What is it?"

Fury put down his sandwich and his report and also leaned back in his chair to stare at Tony from a more comfortable angle. Tony felt his breath catch.

"Man's desperate for your ass." 

Tony fell off the desk.

"He wants to do the horizontal tango. Make the beast with two backs. Ride Iron Man Express. And somewhere in between he wants to hold your hand and tell you what a pretty billionaire you are. Am I making this clear enough for you? I have had it with you two's motherfucking unresolved sexual tension on my motherfucking helicarrier."  

Tony stared up at Fury in disbelief.

 

"Are...are you saying that Steve  _likes me_?"

"Yes."

"As in  _like_  likes me?"

"Yes."

"And wants to put his sexy body against  _my_  sexy body?"

"...Yes."

Tony stared at Fury for one more astounded second. 

"He's in Latveria. Go."

He practically ran out the door.

\-------------------------------------------------

**Saturday**

Tony adjusted the cheap Doom imitation iron mask as the ticket counter lady for Doom's Crystal Caves squinted at him. He still couldn't believe that Doom had a Wanted Poster out for him. Just cause he sent Fucking Richards a few dozen carnation bouquets. It's not like the other 'scientist' was even that badly allergic.  

The ticket counter lady squinted even harder at him. Tony grimaced back at her from behind the iron mask. He really hated Latveria. Seriously of all places for Steve to run off to, it just had to be this hellhole. 

Steve was so going to be paying for their first date.


End file.
